I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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