Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
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He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
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Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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