Only a mothe r could love this liver
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
