remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
did you just send me my own nude
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
