I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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