Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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