he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
