just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
