dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
