Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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