Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
