so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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