There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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