i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
