So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
