too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
