I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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