I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
