What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize