so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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