Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
