So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
