oh god the rape fog is back!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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