who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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