toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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