We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
