Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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