I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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