u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
