Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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