There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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