I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
