I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
