Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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