So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
