I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
