I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
