my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
