All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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