I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
