Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
