buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
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