The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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