I like to think it a success when the cops are called
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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