and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
