fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
