so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
