i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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