my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
