okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
