i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
