Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
