you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
