i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I stole a fireplace last night.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
