If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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