My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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