I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
