Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
