it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
