You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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