last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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