I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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