so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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